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Life inside the bubble

I used to live in a bubble. A really big, resilient bubble that I was trapped inside. Nothing could touch me in there, neither good nor bad. It was a life of perpetual apathy and blah-dom. I was safe from all harm, yet shielded from a lot of good things that could potentially enrich my life and make me happy. But what’s the point in life if you can’t experience both the ups and downs?

In 2006, I began a process that I comically refer to as “gradual bubble deflation”. Rather than popping it and radically changing my life in one fell swoop, I am taking steps, one at a time, to change my life for the better. That year, I lived in Australia and realized that there was a seemingly infinite world of opportunity outside my bubble. I didn’t have to remain confined to small towns and rigorous schoolwork for the rest of my life. I also discovered how fiercely independent I am. I love doing things by myself, and I’ll hop on planes, buses, or trains and embark on journeys to unknown places alone, without hesitation. For the first time in my life, i felt ALIVE and in control. I’m the master of my own destiny, and I won’t let other people or the thought of some higher being determine my path in life.

2007 was a year of indecision and slight relapse. I was grappling with my newfound glory (pun intended) while trying to assimilate myself back in the life I’d left behind in the US. I’d busted my ass in high school and been miserable, all so I could get into a top-notch college where I was also miserable, so that ultimately I’d get a well-paying job and be miserable. And then I resigned myself to living at home so I’d be able to pay off my student loans… and oh wait, be miserable. It was precisely the life I’d denounced the previous year, where I found myself forced to finish off what I’d started. It was one endless chain of misery where I always felt like I HAD to do these things. I was too absorbed with the thought of completing all these stupid tasks and putting everything I had into it that I never stopped to ask myself WHY. What is the point of living when you feel like you have no control over your life? Why go through life not being happy?

By the end of 2007, I slowly began to tear down my walls and deflate my bubble and resolved to move to NYC. 2008 was an incredible year where I felt like I was finally starting to be myself. I felt alive again and in the driver’s seat. I was doing things that I WANTED to do, instead of feeling stifled by things I HAD to do.

While my life had substantially improved, in 2009 I realized there lingered one big thing that would prevent me from ever TRULY being happy and becoming the person I’m meant to be: My job. I felt trapped and so dreadfully unhappy in it, just as I had all through high school and college. If I was going to fully revamp my life and deflate that bubble, I had to leave it. Coming to this decision and finally ending the internal struggle that had plagued me for years was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. But once I made the decision, I knew it was right. Making a ridiculous sum of money for doing literally nothing may seem like the dream, but it wasn’t for me.

Free from all previous hindrances, by summer 2009 I set out to remake my life. I took time to explore my passions and finally discovered what I wanted to do: start my own photography business. I want to be a photographer. It will take time to build, but at least I now have a direction in life… and this time it’s heading the right way.

And then, just as I had begun to embark on my new path - taking classes, landing gigs, networking and growing as a photographer - someone put a hole in my bubble. On Halloween night 2009, our apartment was broken into. My laptop and any photo gear I didn’t have with me was stolen. Someone invaded my personal space, ramsacked my bedroom, and took everything of value. It was a huge wake-up call to me, forcing me to accept the fact that there are scumbags in the world who will do things I could never fathom doing. I no longer live in a bubble. I’m not untouchable.

But I’m alive. I’m alive, I’m living my life, and that’s all that matters.

Completely baffled!

the following was written about me by lauren’s ex (who i actually liked!), the day after she ended things with him:

“You mentioned then, and you mentioned again on the phone yesterday that your feelings on the subject of my neglect were seconded by Lindsay.  That was just adding insult to injury. I’ve made no secret about the fact that I do not, and have never, liked Lindsay.  Moreover, I feel it’s been apparent that she feels similarly toward me.  That’s fine.  We put on our smiles when were around you and kept the peace.  Having said that, the idea that someone as lonely, unaffectionate, and hopelessly jealous of you should criticize my lack of attentiveness and affection is a joke.”

ummm…

1). i came home to see my best friend crying over you multiple times - i think that gives me reason to ‘second’ her feelings.
2). neither of us had any idea you hated me. and i never fake my smiles!
3). i’ll own my unaffectionate nature, but hell if i’m ever called lonely or jealous! i love my life, i’m proud to be a fiercely independent woman, and i don’t need a man in my bed to feel like i’m hot shit.
4). go f yourself.