The quarter-life crisis continues…
When 2009 began, I “resolved” to start figuring out my career path. It took a lot of time and reflection, but I think I’m much closer to knowing what I’m meant to be doing with my life.
Here’s what I know: I hate literally everything about my current job. It is stifling and unfulfilling. I am not given even a fraction of the amount of work I am capable of doing, and to make matters worse, I don’t care enough to “go the extra mile” and pursue extra work because I absolutely loathe IT and financial services. My manager actually told me the other day that we aren’t being allowed to take on some new projects because it might be perceived as us being too eager for work, as in we have nothing better to do, as in we might as well be let go. This is absolutely LUDICROUS to me. I know there are plenty of people in the company who have too much work to do but they can’t take on any new people because they aren’t being given extra headcount (cost cutting measure). I had an informal interview with a director in marketing last week and she LOVED me - but of course she doesn’t have any position open for me because marketing had to cut so many people already and obviously they can’t take on a new person.
What this means is that I’m stuck. When I started this job almost 2 years ago, there were promises of travel and education and internal mobility. But given the nature of the economy today, all of this has been cut. I am stuck in a job I despise, having the life sucked out of me a little more each day I continue to “work” here. It goes against everything I believe in, specifically the way in which I strive to live my life and grow as a person. So why am I still here? Two reasons:
1). I still have student loans to pay off. I cannot just leave my job or settle on something far less lucrative, or take on a job without a stable income. I spend almost $800/month on loan payments, and deferring them really isn’t an option unless I go back to school or am laid off (not by choice).
2). I am so overwhelmed by all the possible paths my life and career could take. I suspect it could even be considered anxiety of sorts. Whenever I think about it and try to break it down into digestible parts, I get so overwhelmed that I have to stop because I can’t deal with it anymore. I think the main reason for this is that I’m unwilling to fully commit to a plan just yet. There are a lot of options I’m mulling over, all with their pros and cons. But how do I decide which one to take?
So the #1 plan at the moment is to go back to school and pursue a PhD. That means I’ve got to find a professor who will let me do some volunteer research with them this summer, prep for the GREs, and assemble my applications. All of this kind of makes me want to hurl. It’s so much work, so much uncertainty, so much out of my control.
That wouldn’t even begin until 2010, so I need to figure out what I’m doing in the year+ before then. I cannot stay where I am, for the sake of my mental health and soul. I’ve been applying to jobs for the past 5 months but have heard nothing. If I could somehow land a job I like (but not love, otherwise I won’t want to leave for school), I’d be set for the next year before school starts. But it’s so hard these days. Perhaps teaching English abroad would be an option? I wouldn’t be banking too much extra cash, but staying even would be fine. I could spend this summer prepping for PhD applications, apply to schools, then work/teach abroad for awhile and return to the US before classes begin. Only problem is: what about interviews? (I wouldn’t be around for them, in Jan/Feb ‘10).
And then what happens if I end up going to school out west? I know I definitely want to live there someday, but I’m not done with NYC yet. I love it here, it feels like home now. I feel like I’ve put together a pretty good life in NYC and I’m sure it would be harder than I know to leave certain people and things behind. I’m not sure that I’m ready to pick up and move already.
I think everything will become clear once I commit to a plan. But for some reason, it’s proving more and more difficult for me to do this. *sigh*…
